It was my beautiful friend’s birthday last week. Her name was Polly

Two and a half years ago, my close friend was diagnosed with terminal cancer (melanoma). We were flight attendants together back in our 20’s and while I couldn’t handle any more socialising after a full day in a plane she remained socialite Queen of the City.

One day as I was killing time in town waiting for a client I heard my name and as I turned around there was Polly waving frantically to get my attention. I hadn’t seen her in 3 weeks and the extra weight she had gained through steroids shocked me. Polly was a model and her looks pretty much defined her so seeing her like this well.. broke my heart.

We went to a cafe and as usual, argued over who was gonna pay the bill. I hated having to leave her as there was something not quite right, more than just her illness. Before I said goodbye though, I called my client to arrange our meeting but instead, he canceled so Polly invited me to her house.

Like normal, we talked and talked. We have had this unspoken rule of you do you and I’ll do me. Although I am hardly a role model, she knows I’m a Christian but I’ve never forced it on her. However this day, I felt led to share with her about the speaker and his message from Church the Sunday before.

This speaker was touring the country talking about his death experience on the operating table. He talked about a light that many of us have heard about. Some say it’s just our brain shutting down but others talk about people they meet there and an unbelievable feeling of pure love. Polly listened intently as I told her that somehow I resonated with it. I said I believed it was more than just his brain shutting off because on the day I was saved, God revealed his ‘pure’ love to me all those years ago in exactly the same way this man described the light. In that moment, I remember there was no concept of time and if that was all heaven was it would be enough.

Polly went quiet and like a mouse, she asked “What does God’s love feel like?” I looked at her and took my time to answer. “Do you remember when your little girl Macey was born? and that moment when you felt an overwhelming love for her? ” She nodded. “It’s like that but 10 times more.” As I spoke those words my skin suddenly went prickly and she gasped and broke down. My heart started racing and it was like in those alien movies when you almost don’t want to know the answer because it’s scary. I looked at her sideways almost tempted to look back over my shoulder as if he was right there in the room and I whispered…”has he been to see you?” She couldn’t speak from crying but nodded. Finally, she said, “I didn’t know what it was”. Honestly? Right there God had never been more tangible. I have strayed so far from when HE first touched me but here in this moment, I felt so incredibly privileged to be used by him even still and knew that God hadn’t gone anywhere. We hugged (while I freaked out lol) and then she said to me “Raquel I think you’re an Angel because today was one of the darkest days of my life”.

Have you ever been confused by what exactly ‘lay it down’ means?

Lay it down I’ve finally learned is exactly that. My Pastor rejected me? Lay it down. Marriage breakup? Lay it down.

I have had a habit of controlling my emotional problems. But isn’t that a good thing you ask? Sure! If it works…

In my head, I’m capable of over-analyzing every angle. When someone upsets me, for days, months, or even years I rehash what happened over and over. I look at my side, their side, every other side I can think of. I try to look at what God’s side might be needing to understand where I went wrong and how could me, myself, or I have made a result that was fair for everyone?

And then I get down.

Doing this never brings peace. It never brings a conclusion and I’m finally learning what “laying it down” really is.

Me, Myself, and I can’t do any of this alone.

Laying it down means giving all my pain and worry to Jesus. Mentally placing my hurt at the foot of the Cross. I praise and thank Jesus for making this possible and ask God to forgive me of my judgments deserved or undeserved and renounce them. I then invite the Holy Spirit to fill the space where these judgments lived and I walk away believing it is done.

Of course, this isn’t always easy but feelings don’t matter and as long as the agenda of my heart is sincere I literally see miracles.

The key though is making sure the agenda of my heart only God can see, is true. It’s here, I see God begin to work in the lives of others involved. I see circumstances work for good. My perspective changes for the better and when I’m not looking, I wake up and realise the hurt has gone.

Guys, have you ever wondered what it must have been like for the Israelites waiting for the cloud to move? What happened?

Was there a great rumble throughout the camp of literally millions? Did it make sound like a volcano warning everyone it was time to pack up? Did it rumble for an hour? A day? 2 days? How much time did people need to pack up? they stopped for 2 days sometimes 2 years.

Have you got your own story where you sensed God was or is about to release you into a promise-land after so many years of struggle? Can you see the cloud beginning to swell? For me, I sense I’m about to walk into God’s promise and I can’t explain why or exactly how.

For years and years, since my mid-20s like many here, as a Christian, I somehow lost my trust in God’s direction and as a result, battled so many hardships, marriage breakups, depression, anxiety, family problems, being conned financially on epic scales, losing everything I had, twice until I couldn’t take any more. I finally finally surrendered and told God I couldn’t do this without him.

Every turn I took ended in disaster and I knew I never wanted to make one more turn without Him. I was going to follow him blindly like I used to when I was 17 and if He still didn’t come through then what did I have to lose?

Now when His Cloud begins to move, so do I, and boy!! What a difference He’s beginning to make. The doors that are opening and the profound changes not only in my life but in my children’s lives are blowing my mind. I’m so humbled to realize how I was getting it so incredibly wrong.

If I was brutally honest, I wasn’t doing things His way at all. I was doing them mine. I wasn’t really forgiving, I was bitter and I was living like no one was watching. I had no real accountability to God and no desire to really care for His ways.

However, I was a Born Again Christian and God never lets his children go. He instead lets them walk into Sin City if that’s what they want and discover for themselves how and why they can never ever be part of this world.

Finally when we do, He really really is there waiting with open arms and double portions of love to bestow on us. I’m doing a daily Bible reading from the beginning with a friend and now, we’re going through Numbers. Just when you’re not sure if you can read another chapter on how many rams, lambs, and bulls were sacrificed, I’m then stunned by the relevance of how applicable The Israelite journey is to our own Christian walk. Like in Numbers, is your Cloud beginning to rumble?

Well anyhoo (Currently in Canada) If anyone here is struggling and I know some of you are, then do that thing where you give it all over To Jesus and then watch what happens.

Do you want to be free? Do you want blessings? Abundance? Love? Joy?

Stop and turn to the man who sees all of you anyway. Get real, stop the white lies, the secretly sleeping with your boyfriends/girlfriends, or the judging of even those who deserve it, and give it over to Him. I promise promise promise it will all be worth it!!!

24 years and 2 days ago, my son, Ethan entered the world clearly as he intended to live it. With a bang!

At the time of his birth, I was on a work trip with my husband in New Plymouth which was cleared by the midwife. Baby showed no signs of coming and due to how small the ‘bump’ was everyone just assumed our dates were out. It was December 1997 when computers were really big and it was Adam’s job to travel the country teaching people how to use them.

On this trip, Adam had booked 10 trainees and so the car was packed. When we arrived, we had found a nice hotel and the weather was great. The next day Adam went off to work and I spent the day feeling particularly serene deciding to wander shops in preparation for Christmas. That night my back started to hurt and by morning we realized this must have been labor.

Not knowing what to do I called the New Plymouth Hospital but was received by a grumpy midwife at the other end telling us off for being so far away from home this close to a due date. After talking to my own midwife on the phone, in an exasperated state of mind, my husband and I decided the best thing to do was try to make it back. After all, first labors take ages so figured we had plenty of time.

My friend Gemma with a Pajero four-wheel drive was commissioned to immediately leave Wellington. She had a mattress in the back to meet us which would provide a comfortable laboring station until we got to base.. what could go wrong?

With all ten computers stuffed in the car, my seat was jammed up towards the dash as far as it could possibly go. There wasn’t a lot of room for a squirming pregnant lady in labor. Luckily the contractions when we left were still 10 minutes apart. However, as we drove away, the contractions started getting closer and closer. It seemed on this trip there were more road works than usual that required us to stop continuously. Road workers peered curiously into a stuffed car filled with giant computer monitors and screens with a woman now climbing the windows.

Eventually, we stopped at one of those famous kiwi-style dairies in Patea now desperate for a drink. Adam ran in and broke up the slow country chit-chat amongst locals to get served explaining his wife was in labor.

Meanwhile, grabbing the opportunity to stretch and breath outside I hid behind the car clutching the door as more labor pains came in full force. Coming out of another contraction, I looked up to find the dairy locals all peering around the bonnet to watch!

After being well-wished goodbye, we got in the car and took off at full speed but the further we got the fewer chances we knew we had of making it to Wellington. My best friend was a nursing supervisor at The Wellington Hospital who we kept in constant touch along the way.

As contractions got up to 1 minute apart, Abi made the call for us to stop in Wanganui, the last main hospital before Wellington. As we pulled into the emergency car park outside the hospital, It felt like I was in so much pain and that if I died in the car I wouldn’t be surprised. This is what dying felt like, I was sure of it. We had no idea where the maternity ward was or what to do. I looked up at the building thinking it would take Rob ages to find help and I was too scared for him to leave but instead, he jumped out of the car as fast as he could, and amazingly in what seemed like 2 seconds, there was an entire medical team hauling me away. Laughing at how ridiculous our endeavor to make Wellington was, they assured us we were safe and that everything was going to be ok.

An Australian midwife had just arrived in New Zealand to practice freely a job she was incredibly passionate about. Apparently, there were all sorts of political medical problems in Australia that she had run away from. New Zealand gave her the opportunity to practice the way she knew it should be done. Today was her first day and she was placed in charge of my care. Her shift ended but when I pleaded for her to stay she did and I think she needed to see this baby born as much as I did because she cried at the end.

E. P. Z M (not then named) arrived at 6pm on Thursday evening, December 18th, 1997. Giving birth and meeting your baby really is the most incredible feeling in the world. A feeling I certainly was not at all prepared for. I had been so uncertain and when he was first put into my arms I was too exhausted to feel any kind of emotion. Everyone was asking me what I thought of the baby but honestly? I just remember looking at him not knowing what to feel. I was numb.

Soon after everyone left the room, Baby started to cry a little. I called out for the nurse to tell her he was upset. It hadn’t deeply occurred to me the new responsibility included attending to the cries of a child. Once realizing no one was coming, I got up and walked over to him restless in his crib. Nervously, I reached out to touch the blanket, feeling his warm little body beneath it, and then suddenly, he stopped…just like that. Like magic. He knew me, my touch. Right then, I realized he was mine. All mine. Not the nurses. He didn’t belong to the midwife, he belonged to me!

I pulled back the covers to look at… my baby, I saw how incredibly beautiful he was. His eyes. His perfect little nose, mouth, fingers, toes. An intense new feeling, much like the one I experienced the day I met The Holy Spirit, overwhelmed me, flooding my heart. At that moment 24 years and 2 days ago today, holding a baby boy in my arms, for the first time in my life, I fell in love.

Does God ever use Facebook to give you a sign? While on my tour of America and part of Canada, I’m staying with an incredibly loving and generous Indian Christian family. Arriving as poor immigrants they have since been very blessed 46 years later with a beautiful home and 4 very successful loving adult children and grandchildren. Last night I was earnestly praying about all the wrong decisions I had made during my 20 year ‘prodigal’ journey and how very different the outcome of my life so far, was to theirs. I have 4 wonderful children but divorce and 2 financial crises have scarred them and as they grow they struggle with things this family doesn’t. Last night I was earnestly praying to ask God if all the many wrong decisions could ever be made right? And could my own family ever have a chance to be like the one here with this Indian family? After I finished praying I turned on my phone to scroll Facebook before dropping off to sleep and the first thing popping out at me was this…

I’ll take that.

Welcome to my first blog post. While I’ve been building this site I came across a song by Olivia Lane and loved it. After reading her bio I’m not entirely sure we’ve been bought to the same place yet but the lyrics definitely resonate.